Regarding My Jealousy
I was jealous of her for being so close to you.
In the same way that Simon Peter
should have been jealous of
Mary Magdalene for being so close to Him.
Sure we shared a house,
but you shared a bed.
And all I wanted was to be close to you;
to feel your gaze.
It was as if the inability to feel your gaze
meant I couldn't see myself.
It was somehow both pure and pathological.
Why did I need to be seen in order to see?
Oh, the pain of being in between.
After the Diagnosis
You told me that you
weren't clinging on,
that you had a great life.
I nodded and tried to make you feel heard,
but inside it was I who felt like I was dying.
What about me, I thought?
I had only just met you.
We didn't have enough time together.
You had more wisdom to give me.
And then I remembered that it's not all about me.
If you were ready, who am I to fight?
So I turned my anger towards God.
Oh don't worry, he can take it.
Just Ask The Cat's
My sense of time gets blurry during the week
between Christmas and the New Year.
As if the universe gives me a break for
my long year of keeping track.
People think time is linear,
but it's really cyclical -
No, a spiral;
We are going somewhere I think -
slowly.
And this year I sit in my loneliness as if it's a chair;
I've found it's big enough to support me.
I try looking around the corner to next year
to see what's coming.
But then I look at the cat's and I remember -
My only job this week is to lie down and
release my grip.
Bare Trees
Just because we're not lovers anymore
doesn't mean you aren't the most beautiful
being I've ever met.
The two things really aren't connected;
People get that part wrong.
Sometimes I lay on the couch for hours
just looking at the bare trees going
in and out of prayer (or maybe it's all prayer).
I wonder if they wonder where you went.
Or if they can sense your spirit is still with me; It is.
After all, they know best,
they've gone through this process hundreds of times.
And so, I move on, but I carry you with me.
And I remind myself, just because we're not lovers
anymore doesn't mean we never were.
I'm just a little pea
I still remember the night I realized
this life would not last forever.
That my being would one day not be.
I still feel existential dread when I think about that.
But last night at 3am I felt as if I existed
outside of time.
And that equally scared me.
So which really is better -
That time gives us an expiration date,
or to stop moving forward in time?
I suppose this is why we worry about
the color of our hair
or the consistency of our bowel movements;
so we don't think about the inevitable.
But it's coming, I think.
And where we go after is up for debate,
though I refuse to debate it.
But Katherine insisted I talk about it.
So I sheepishly said I believe in Heaven.
And that made her mad;
She wanted a real fight.
But what do I know,
I'm just a little pea.
7am / December 14th
Oh I love how a night of snow makes
everything feel new in the morning.
As if, for just a few hours,
we get to begin again.
/
I always thought all of the birds flew south for winter,
but here is a little blackbird perched on a branch
outside my window.
I wonder if that blackbird missed the train;
Or refused to get on.
I understand, little blackbird.
It's hard for me to let go, too.
December Day Dreams
I walked by the window that afternoon
with dreams of moving south.
The warm weather could be good
for my lungs, I thought.
And I still wonder if birds have a hierarchy.
Who do they report to, anyway?
Some afternoons I dream of
being like Huck Finn.
Then I remember he was just a character
in someones novel and
I stopped wanting to be
a metaphor a long time ago.
And then I went back to my desk.
Fine, I Suppose
Every once in awhile I feel good.
No, not good exactly.
Fine, I suppose.
When the afternoon sun hits my face.
And my stomach doesn't hurt.
When I'm not reminded of my mistakes.
And my muscles don't ache.
Every once in awhile I feel good.
No, not good exactly.
Fine, I suppose.
Shame
Standing in front of Him
I have never felt shame.
Do you think Mary Magdalene did
when He casted out those 7 demons?
You know, the devil is real.
I've seen him, just as she did.
He takes residence in my brain
from time to time.
That voice that tells me that I'm not enough;
That's him, I'm sure of it.
But standing in front of Him
I have never felt shame.
What Were You Doing There?
Like a large shadow cast from
an even larger light source,
I sat in You.
I found Your love in the most
devastating hour of my existence
and I wondered, what were You
doing there?
And then I remembered the most
devastating hour of Your existence;
And I tremble knowing I am loved like that.
Is it You?
Is it you?
I look at you every morning and I wonder,
are you the only thing saving me from the darkness?
It all saves me daily from myself;
music, friends, family, nature, prayer, books, students, work, walks…
But I still wonder, is it you?
My God, My God ~ You Have Not Forsaken Me
I Used to see my illnesses
as evidence that a loving
God does not exist.
But today I saw God in the
nurse who took my temperature
and rubbed my back.
I saw God in the kind and
competent Dr. who knew what to do.
In the pharmacist who helped
me get my medication.
In my friends who brought me groceries.
I used to see my illnesses
as evidence that a loving God
does not exist.
But today I saw God in my illness.
Drawing Me Nearer
It’s okay,
just like evening,
let winter come.
Let the darkness surround me.
Let the cold enter.
Let the birds fly away.
For He is drawing me nearer.
When I was 10
I know this feeling.
It’s time to put this instrument away again.
It doesn’t like to be used;
It needs to be nurtured.
It’s the purest thing I know.
So I will put it away,
But I will come back with more respect.
Like when I was 10.
Or when it all fell apart.
For I know this love won’t end here.
Just Their Friend
The mice in the walls of my house hide from me.
I wonder if they think I’m their enemy or their God?
Or if they even think of me at all?
I wish they knew I’m just their friend.
Grace
I can’t be perfect,
I rely on Your grace everyday.
Not as an act of lowering myself,
but as an act of cleansing.
And in allowing you to know
the depths of my faults,
you grant me divine peace.
Genealogy
I did not just appear.
I am inextricably tied to my ancestors;
The decisions I make
The Joys I celebrate
The depression I endure
The Love I feel
The anger I cause
The forgiveness I receive.
I stand on the shoulders
And trip over the feet of it all;
Their love
Their loss
Their wealth
Their ruin
Their immigration
Their trauma
Their conversion
Their prayers.
I did not just appear.
Everyday
Stop telling me I need to work on my craft everyday.
What I need is rest everyday
Long showers everyday
A walk in my garden everyday
A hug everyday
Sunshine everyday.
I will work on my craft when the spirit whispers it’s time.
Perfect Love
Sometimes the absence of perfect love makes me weep.
I don’t think we’re capable
Even St. Peter denied Christ.
But just like the maple tree drops its leaves
We drop our mistakes of summer.
And just like the dead leaves
They don’t really disappear.
They become something else
I don’t always know what.
Soil for a new garden, perhaps,
But I know they don’t remain attached.
You see, winter is essential in this way.
So yes, sometimes the absence of perfect love makes me weep,
But I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
Liminal Space
I once again find myself on the road to Emmaus.
You know, that moment when the orchestra has played their final note
but the audience hasn’t begun their applause.
That's where I am living;
That moment.
Not quite here,
not quite there.
It’s so quiet,
I can barely take it.
I see Him but don’t recognize Him.
I can only endure it because of Him.
Maybe
Maybe Heaven is a place in our dreams
where our family is together
and we get to embrace with the ones we loved again.
Or maybe it is here on earth
where the vulnerable are cared for
and the hungry are fed.
Or maybe it comes after death
where St. Peter welcomes us
and we live forever in perfect bliss.
Maybe it’s all three.
Maybe I’m a heretic.
It’s okay,
I do not fear doubt.